情绪失控怎么办？建立这4个习惯，让自己重新平静

有些人在情绪调节方面，就是比其他人要强一点。我们都有情绪失控的时候，只是有些人失控得更频繁。那么，那些通常能很好调节情绪的人，他们具体会怎么做呢？ 哪些习惯能让人情绪更稳定？

其实，并没有人能做到完全不情绪崩溃。我不想给大家造成这种印象， 觉得有些人在情绪调节上能做到完美。事实并非如此。

另外，可能看起来有些人的情绪稳定是与生俱来的， 但仔细一看， 于是我们就明白，有四个核心习惯帮助他们调节情绪。

我会告诉你这四点是什么， 然后我会把这些习惯分解成具体、可操作的小步骤。好的，第一个习惯。

拥有良好情绪调节能力的人。哦，我们先这样处理。嗒哒！ 好的，拥有良好情绪调节能力的人， 他们不会在情绪高涨时做出反应， 也不会只是压抑自己的感受。情绪稳定的人不是没有情绪。恰恰相反，他们的情绪很丰富。相反，他们训练自己做到暂停。他们会觉察到自己情绪强烈的时刻， 然后放缓自己的反应。

所以，他们不再是'触发即反应'， 而是建立了'触发后暂停'的新联系。维克多·弗兰克尔说过，在刺激与反应之间， 存在一个空间。而在这个空间里，蕴藏着我们选择如何回应的力量。我们的成长和自由，正蕴藏于我们的回应之中。

所以，如果关键不是压抑情绪或一味蛮干， 那你该如何训练自己暂停呢？ 又该如何练习呢？ 我来教你一些具体方法，好吗？

所以，他们不只是停下来。他们会采取一个具体的行动，来替代自动化的反应。他们反复练习这个行动，直到越来越熟练。那么他们具体做什么呢？ 他们训练的到底是什么行动？ 他们会闭上嘴巴。他们有一套拖延话术。他们可能会说，比如，“嗯， 让我想想。” 或者，如果他们感觉自己可能要动粗， 他们会把手背在身后或插进口袋。他们可能训练自己去做一个深长缓慢的呼吸。即使是五秒钟的深呼吸，也能让你的神经系统在开口或行动之前有时间平复下来。

情绪更稳定的人，已经养成了一些让自己慢下来的习惯。比方说，他们可能有个规矩：重大决定，不过夜不做。比如，你不能一冲动就辞职、订婚， 或者未经24小时冷静思考就购买任何大件物品。或者，他们可能定下规矩，购买任何超过200美元的东西前，都必须和配偶商量。也许，他们让自己暂停的方式，是在做决定前先把问题写下来。此外，正念练习也能帮助你与这些感受共处，而不必立即采取行动。

所以，对于这第一个习惯，我鼓励你选择一种你喜欢的暂停行为，并开始练习。每天在细微小事上练习，即使在激烈的情境下，你也会开始变得非常熟练。所以，这就像肌肉记忆一样，是可以练出来的。旧的触发模式是：一有情绪，我就立刻反应。新的触发模式必须重新建立。当我感到情绪激动时，我暂停。

训练自己放慢脚步的最佳方法之一，就是提高预测自己情绪的能力。意外会放大每一种情绪。但如果你知道强烈的情绪即将来袭， 你就不会那么意外了。所以，如果我告诉你，当你走过时我会从灌木丛后跳出来吓你， 你可能就不会发出那么刺耳的尖叫声了。好的，所以，去了解你的情绪诱因。要留意那些在你情绪彻底爆发（达到10分）之前就开始让你激动起来的事情。如果你知道，当你饥饿、疲惫或压力过大时， 你更容易情绪化反应。就别做重大决定，先暂停，对吗？ 如果你知道，在特定的人身边你更容易紧张、反应过度或冲动， 或者如果你知道一天中哪些时段你更敏感， 这些都是更好地预测自己情绪的方法， 这样你就能开始搭配使用这种暂停反应了。

一旦你了解了自己的情绪触发点这可不是为了让你找借口逃避这些情况。而是让你有机会做好准备，用更好的方式去应对。培养这项能力最好的方法之一，就是进行反思，跳出固有视角。正因如此，心理治疗才会如此有效。不过在视频的结尾我会教你一个方法，你自己也可以练习。好了，接下来是情绪调节的第二个习惯。

大家听过这个故事吗？ 有个女人坐在机场，等候她的航班。她买了一袋奥利奥，在等飞机的时候，在一个男人旁边坐了下来。她一边看书，一边注意到那个男人不停地伸手到袋子里拿饼干吃。她变得越来越恼火。她开始想， 天哪，太没礼貌了。他在偷我的奥利奥。但她没有直接质问他， 只是在心里默默评判他，自己也继续从袋子里拿饼干吃。

他拿一块奥利奥， 然后她也拿一块。她简直气得冒烟表现得有点被动攻击像是吃奥利奥时故意弄出点声响。男人却平静如常，继续吃着饼干，毫无反应。这让她更加恼火。

最后，只剩下一块奥利奥了。男人把最后一块从袋子里拿出来掰成两半然后递了一半给她。她心想，呵，真有你的，是吧？ 她被他这厚脸皮惊到了但她还是接了过来。

终于，她登上了飞机坐到座位上，打开了手提包结果发现自己的手提包里有一袋未拆封的奥利奥。突然间，她明白了真相。一直以来，都是她在吃他的饼干。所有那些愤怒、理直气壮和愤慨的情绪都建立在一个虚假的故事之上在这个故事里，她是对方粗鲁行为的受害者，而实际上实际上，他当时对她非常耐心、非常慷慨、也很宽容。

心理健康的人会去辨识他们对自己讲述的那些故事。他们会质疑这些故事。这些故事可能是受害者叙事、愤怒叙事，或是自以为是的故事。我为此专门做了一整期视频我会把链接放在下方。

情绪稳定的人不会相信自己的每一个想法或感受。情绪就像烟雾报警器。它们声音响亮，有时会突然响起。有时它们意味着真的着火了。有时它们会突然响起， 可能只是因为你洗了个热水澡，或是它电池没电了。情绪也是如此。它们感觉既强烈又真实。

如果我愤怒， 当我感到愤怒时，

感觉就像我被亏待了。如果我恐慌，感觉就像我身处危险。如果我悲伤，感觉好像一切都糟透了。但仅仅因为我感觉到什么，仅仅因为我想到什么，并不代表那就是真的。

当烟雾报警器响起时，这是在警告我们需要检查是否出了问题。这不总是意味着房子就烧起来了。所以，当我情绪强烈时，这意味着我需要花点时间问问自己：是不是哪里出了问题？如果答案是肯定的，那么接着问我应该采取哪些步骤来应对？

情绪健康的人凭经验知道他们的感受和想法常常会骗人。所以，如果我们的想法和感受并不总是准确我们应该如何对待它们呢？

让我们学习如何留出空间，从而想法和感受才不会主宰你的生活。情绪调节能力强的人，通常有这几种做法。

他们与自己的想法保持距离，然后问自己：这个想法对我有帮助吗？他们审视自己的感受和想法，然后问：这个感受准确吗？他们会质疑自己脑中的故事。

所以，他们不会直接认定“他们不尊重我”，而是会带着疑问去想：嗯，这到底是怎么回事呢？是不是有别的原因，才让他们有那样的行为？也许他们只是压力很大，对吧？也许这并不是针对我。

他们会放眼大局，然后问：哦，到了明天或者下周，我对这件事的感觉会怎样？他们会问：我难道想让这种情绪控制我吗？让它来替我做决定吗？

他们会给情绪命名。也就是说，简单地把你的感受说出来，比如，‘噢’我感到怒火上涌或者这感觉像是羞愧。给情绪命名能平复大脑，并在刺激与反应之间创造出空间。

还有一点，情绪健康的人会这样做。他们会留意自己的身体。他们会觉察到身体的感受。他们可能会这样说：哦我的手攥紧了。我语速变快了。我开始出汗了。

通过练习和躯体工作，你可以训练你的神经系统，让它不那么容易反应过度。所以，做到第二点最简单的方法，就是开始使用这个句式：我产生了'有人在亏待我'的想法或者，我注意到我的一部分自己正感到非常愤怒。

所以，如果你有这样一个念头我真是个失败者那么你可以这样说：我脑子里有个念头：我真是个废物。或者，如果你想到‘没人爱我’，你可以说我心里有一部分此刻感到非常孤独和害怕。再比如，如果你觉得‘这事永远成不了’，你可以说我正在灾难化思维。你要点明那个念头。

如果你心想，‘她让我这么生气’我气得胸口发闷。好的，你也可以把注意力转向外部来做到这一点。

所以，与其对你的伴侣说“你从来不倒垃圾”，你可以说“我的一部分在想、感觉或担心你不在乎我。” “但我还有另一部分知道你为我们的家庭做出了很多牺牲。”

这样做的根本目的，是在你自身、你的想法和感受之间创造一些空间。这让你能自由地选择采取什么行动。所以，与其让想法或感受主导你的决定，你要不断地问自己：什么对我最重要？我想成为什么样的人？这些就是你的价值观。

而当你暂停下来，不轻信自己的一切所思所感，这便为你创造了空间，让你能做出符合自身价值观的选择，从而走向你真正渴望的美好生活。

以上，就是我在《如何应对情绪》课程中教授的部分技能。你将获得31节易于消化的小课，帮助你掌握情绪调节技能。该课程包含在月度会员权益内。课程还包含我的直播问答环节。链接就在视频描述里。

好，第一步，暂停。第二，别相信你所有的念头。质疑你的内心叙事。第三，不要压抑你的感受。不要与你的感受对抗。

情绪稳定的人会处理感受，而非压抑它们。感受是真实发生在你身体里的过程。即便围绕感受产生的想法可能并不真实，那些感觉和神经系统的激活，其实就真实地发生在此时此刻。

情绪稳定的人会允许感受存在，并给自己时间，在身心层面去处理这些感受。

被压抑的情绪就像一个塞得过满的冰箱。我们往里面塞的东西越多，就越可能发生东西掉出来、溢出来、腐烂或发臭的情况。

当我们对情绪的默认反应只是把它塞起来，或忽视它，或是转移注意力，那些又大又臭的情绪就会堆积起来，大大增加它们日后爆发的几率。

处理情绪分为四个步骤。观察、探索、选择，然后行动或接纳。

所以，在暂停之后，当强烈的情绪出现时，我们观察自己的情绪，放慢节奏，保持好奇心。我们允许其存在。我们觉察身体里的感受，为其命名，并抱以慈悲。

然后，我们探索这些情绪。你可以将第二步中觉察到的想法和感受，进行筛选，并自问，哪些想法是有帮助的？哪些没有帮助呢？你可以大声说出来或写下来，然后检查其中是否有‘灾难化思维’或‘非黑即白思维’这类认知扭曲，这样做会非常有帮助。

在这个处理情绪的过程中，关键的一点在于我们不要因为自己产生了情绪，或是因为过去的反应而苛责自己。自责通常只会让我们更容易情绪激动。因此，与其自责，不如在整个梳理情绪的过程中，以同情心对待自己。而这会训练我们对自己和他人更有耐心、更加平和。

严厉的自我批评会让你更容易情绪激动。像对待好朋友那样和自己对话。你可以这样说：“这确实很难，但我能行。”这样有助于减轻情绪负荷。

我认为，人们压抑情绪的一个主要原因是他们为自己的情绪感到羞耻。那么，在处理情绪的过程中，你也可以安抚身体，进行一些自我关爱，做一些你喜欢的事，这能帮助你的神经系统完成这一反应循环。

关于处理情绪，还有另一个关键点。这不仅仅关乎情绪本身。当确实存在一个实际问题时，心理健康的人会想明白自己能改变什么，并采取行动去改善局面。他们依据价值观，而非一时的感受来做选择。比方说，我感到非常愤怒。但我可以选择用友善的方式沟通。

我可以感到愤怒，同时也可以选择采取迅速有力的行动去帮助别人，对吧？或是设定界限。有一次，就是将某人推开。但大多数时候，而是设定一个清晰、审慎、深思熟虑、明确的界限，或是采取符合你理想人格的有目的的行动。

关键在于，我在做出选择。我有自主权。我在做决定。我的感受具有参考价值，但它们不会替我做决定。

所以情绪可能会来势汹汹。你要先暂停，然后问问自己，它们是否在告诉你有些事情需要改变，然后你要采取行动，接着安抚你的身体。

所以，在经历压力事件之后，健康的人会允许自己颤抖、奔跑、哭泣、缓和下来、自我安抚、放松、大笑、与人联结，并把经历讲出来，明白吗？简而言之，我们就是这样处理情绪的。这大概是我做过的最精简的处理感受版本了。

接下来是调节情绪的第四个习惯。我认为这个习惯，能把每一次情绪体验都变成一种收获。心理健康的人不会给自己贴上“我就是这样”的标签。他们把每一次经历都视为学习的机会。你不需要做到完美。那不是人生的目的。而是要通过经历去学习和成长。那些困难或痛苦的经历，都是让你深化感受能力、更善于处理情绪的机会。

那我们具体该怎么做呢？你需要以慈悲之心对待自己和所犯的错误。要擅长修复关系。知道怎么才能更擅长修复关系吗？你会搞砸。你就再练习，对吧？如果你确实反应过度了，你就道歉，并重新调整重心。这样能锻炼你，比追求完美更快地恢复过来。

同样地，运用成长型思维模式，就像你在学校时一样，你会把事情写下来。你会把它们琢磨透。对于情绪，你可以通过写日记、复盘或与人交谈来反思。我们就是这样，不带评判地从自己经历的事情中学习。

大声预演和练习你未来会如何以不同的方式回应，也是一个非常好的方法，能训练你减少应激反应。所以，如果你需要和老板设定界限，提前大声练习能帮助你更理智、更少情绪化地应对。

那么，我们该怎么做呢？我们如何才能做到，去回应感受，而非被感受牵着鼻子走？这其实就是练习。每一天，你都有机会练习如何回应情绪。

那么，把这些综合起来，这里有一个快速练习的方法。回想一下你今天经历的一个轻微的挫折。先别选最严重的那件。去觉察它，并为它命名。你可以这样对自己说：我觉察到了愤怒或压力。或者，恐惧在这里。

然后，想象自己把那种情绪先放到一边。它就在那儿，但你不必马上回应它。你可以说：我注意到自己有个想法，或者，我注意到自己有某种感受。

然后你可以问自己是什么引发了这些情绪？问问自己：你此刻有哪些念头？接着再问自己这些想法有帮助吗？它们符合事实吗？

然后写下来，你希望如何应对这件事？作为一个你想成为的人，你会怎么做？所以你说，哦，我会请他们停下，好吗？然后就去练习这个。

现在大声说出来，好吗？练习一下。请停下。我不喜欢你正在做的事，好吗？

好了，关键就在这里。我们就是这样应对情绪的，明白吗？听起来很简单。我知道，真到那一刻会非常复杂。这对情绪调节至关重要。

当你每天练习这个方法时，你会发现，当某些事触发你时，你能够暂停下来，而不是惊慌失措，好吗？

我知道这听起来很复杂，但是……好消息是，每一天你都有机会练习。所以我知道，你能更好地感受情绪。我知道，你能减少情绪化反应，变得更加情绪稳定。非常感谢你的参与。你一定能行。请多保重。

Some people regulate their emotions a little better than others. Now, we all have moments where we freak out, some more than others. So what are the things that people who tend to regulate pretty well do? What are the habits that make people more emotionally stable?

It's not like there's actually people who have no emotional melt-outs. I don't want to create this idea that there are some people who are perfect at this. That's not the case.

And it might seem like emotional stability just comes naturally to some people but when you look closely it becomes clear that there are four essential habits that help them regulate their emotions.

I'm going to tell you what those four things are and then I'm going to break those habits down into tiny, actionable steps. Okay, habit number one.

People with good emotional regulation. Oh, let's do this first. Ta-da! Okay, people with good emotional regulation skills they don't react when they're highly emotional and they don't just suppress their feelings. It's not that emotionally stable people don't have feelings. They do, plenty of them. Instead, they've trained themselves to pause. They notice when they're highly emotional and then they slow things down.

So instead of having like trigger react they've paired trigger pause. Viktor Frankl said, between stimulus and response there is a space. And in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

So if it's not about just like suppressing our emotions or trying harder how do you train yourself to pause? How do you practice that? Let me teach you some strategies for this, okay?

So they don't just stop it. They have an action that they do instead of reacting. They've practiced this action over and over until they get better at it. So what do they do? What is this action they train? They close their mouth. They have a filler response. Maybe they say something like, hmm let me think about that. Or if they're feeling like they might get violent they put their hands behind their backs or in their pockets. They might have trained a response to take a long, slow breath. Even like a five second breath can give your nervous system time to settle before you speak or act.

People who are more emotionally stable have built systems to slow themselves down. So for example, they might have a rule that says no big decisions without sleeping on it. Like you cannot quit your job, get engaged or buy something really big without sleeping on it for 24 hours. Or they might have a rule that says they have to consult with their spouse before buying anything over $200. Perhaps the way they pause themselves down is they write about the problem before making a decision. Now mindfulness practice can also help you sit with these feelings without needing to act on them right away.

So what I would encourage you to do for this first one is choose a pause behavior that you like and start to practice it. Practice it every day in tiny situations and you'll start to get really good at it even in intense situations. So this is something that you learn like muscle memory. The old trigger was when I feel emotional, I react. The new trigger has to be rewired. When I feel emotional, I pause.

One of the best ways to train yourself to slow down is to get better at predicting your emotions. Surprise exaggerates every emotion. But if you know a big emotion is coming up then you won't be as surprised. So if I told you I was gonna jump out at you from behind the bushes when you walked by you probably wouldn't scream in such a high-pitched way. Okay, so get to know your triggers. Be aware of the things that start getting you worked up before you're already at a 10. If you know that when you're hungry or tired or stressed out you're more likely to be emotionally reactive. Don't make a big decision, pause, right? If you know that around certain people you're much more likely to be tense or reactive or impulsive or if you know what times of day you're more sensitive these are all ways to get better at predicting your emotions so that you can start pairing this pause reaction.

Once you know what your triggers are this is not just an excuse to avoid these situations. It gives you a chance to prepare yourself to respond to them in a better way. One of the best ways to build this skill is to reflect and get perspective. And this is why therapy can be so powerful. But at the end of the video I'll teach you a method you can also do on your own. Okay, here's the second habit for emotional regulation.

Have you guys ever heard this story? A woman sitting in an airport waiting for her flight. She buys a bag of Oreos and sits down next to a man while she waits for the plane to come. As she reads, she notices that the man keeps reaching into the bag and eating the cookies. She becomes more and more irritated. She starts thinking, oh my gosh, how rude. He is stealing my Oreos. But instead of confronting him she just silently judges him while continuing to eat from the bag herself.

So he'll grab an Oreo and then she'll grab an Oreo. And she's like fuming with anger and she's being a little bit like passive aggressive like eating her Oreos a little bit loudly. The man calmly keeps sharing the cookies without reacting and this makes her even more annoyed.

Eventually, there's only one Oreo left. The man takes it out of the bag breaks it in half and offers her a piece. She is like, oh, the nerve, right? She's shocked by his audacity but she takes it anyway.

Finally, she boards the flight sits down in her seat, opens her purse and finds her own unopened bag of Oreos in her purse. Suddenly, she realizes the truth. She was the one eating his cookies all along. All of those feelings of anger and self-righteousness, indignation they were all based on a false story where she was the victim to his rudeness, when in reality he was actually being very patient, very generous, very forgiving towards her.

Healthy people get to know the stories that they tell themselves. They question their stories. They might be victim stories, angry stories, self-righteous stories. I made a whole video on this which I will link below.

Emotionally stable people don't believe everything they think or feel. Emotions are like smoke alarms. They are loud and sometimes they come on fast. Sometimes they mean that there's a fire. Sometimes they're going off because you took a hot shower or the smoke alarm is low on batteries. And that's how emotions can be. They feel intense and they feel real.

If I'm angry if I feel angry

it feels like I'm being mistreated. If I'm panicking it feels like I'm in danger. If I'm sad it feels like everything is awful. But just because I feel something just because I think something doesn't mean it's true.

When a smoke alarm goes off it's a warning that we need to check if something is wrong. It does not always mean that the house is burning down. So when I feel a big emotion it means I need to take a minute and ask, is something wrong? And if the answer is yes, then Ask what steps should I take to fix it?

Emotionally healthy people know from experience that their feelings and their thoughts lie all the time. So if our thoughts and feelings aren't always accurate what are we supposed to do with them?

Let's learn how to create space so that thoughts and feelings don't run your life. Here are a few ways people with good emotional regulation do it.

They hold their thoughts at arm's length and they ask, is this thought helpful? They look at their feelings and their thoughts and say, is this feeling accurate? They question their stories.

So instead of being like they're disrespecting me they might question and say, huh I wonder what's going on. I wonder if there's something else that's causing those behaviors. Maybe they're stressed, right? Maybe this isn't about me.

They look at the big picture and they ask, oh how will this feel tomorrow or next week? They ask, do I want this feeling to control me to make my decisions?

They name their feelings. So simply labeling what you feel, like saying, ooh I'm feeling anger rising or this feels like shame. Naming emotions calms the brain and creates space between stimulus and response.

And then here's another thing healthy people do. They notice their bodies. They're aware of their physical sensations. They might say something like, oh my hands are clenching. I'm talking fast. I'm getting sweaty.

You can train your nervous system to be less reactive through practice and through somatic work. So the easiest way to do number two is to start using the phrase I'm having the thought that someone is mistreating me or I'm noticing a part of me is feeling really angry.

So if you have the thought I'm such a loser then you'd say I'm having the thought that I am such a loser. Or if you have the thought no one loves me, you could say part of me feels really lonely and scared right now. Or if you think this is never going to work out, you could say I'm catastrophizing right now. You name that thought.

If you think, she makes me feel so angry my chest feels tight with anger. Okay, you can do this with an outward focus too.

So instead of telling your partner you never take out the trash, you can say part of me thinks or feels or worries that you don't care about me. But there's another part of me that knows that you're making a lot of sacrifices for our family.

The whole goal here is to create some space between yourself and your thoughts and your feelings. It gives you freedom to choose what actions to take. So instead of letting your thoughts or feelings make your decisions, you constantly ask What is most important to me? What kind of person do I want to be? These are your values.

And when you pause and you don't believe everything you think or feel it gives you the space to make choices that line up with the values for the good life that you do want.

Now, these are a few of the skills that I teach in my How to Process Your Emotions course. You'll get 31 bite-sized lessons that will help you build emotional regulation skills. The course is included with monthly membership which also has a live Q&A with me and the link is in the video description.

Okay, so first, we pause. Second, don't believe everything you think. Question your stories. And the third is you don't repress your feelings. You don't struggle against your feelings.

Emotionally stable people process their feelings instead of repressing them. Feeling is something that's actually happening in your body. Just because the thoughts around it might not be true the sensations and the nervous system activation are actually happening here in this present moment.

Healthy people allow feelings to be there and they give themselves time to process them in their mind and in their body.

Repressed emotions are like an overfull refrigerator. The more stuff we shove in there the more likely it is that something will fall out, spill over, go rotten, or smell bad.

When our default reaction to an emotion is to just stuff it, or ignore it or distract from it, big stinky emotions are gonna build up and make it much more likely that they will explode later.

Processing emotions takes four steps. Observe, explore, choose, and then act or accept.

So, after pausing, when a big emotion comes up we observe our emotions, we slow down, we get curious. We allow them to be there. We notice them in our bodies, we name them we show them compassion.

Then we explore them. So you might take your thoughts and feelings that you noticed from step two and you would sift through them and ask, you know which thoughts are helpful? Which ones aren't? It can be really helpful to say them out loud or write them down, and then to check for cognitive distortions like catastrophizing or black and white thinking.

An important part of this process of processing feelings is that we don't shame ourselves for having feelings or for our past reactions. This usually trains us to be more reactive. So instead of shaming we treat ourselves with compassion throughout this process of working through our feelings. And this trains us to be more patient and calm with ourselves and others.

Harsh self-criticism makes you more reactive. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a good friend. You could say something like, this is hard but I'm okay. And that's going to help lower that emotional charge.

I think one of the biggest reasons why people repress feelings is because they're ashamed of feelings. And then as part of processing emotions you can also do some body soothing, like some self-care do something you enjoy and that helps your nervous system complete that reaction.

Here's the other important part about processing feelings. It's not just all about the emotions. When there is actually a problem healthy people figure out what they can change and they take some action to make things better. They make choices based on values and not feelings. So you might say I feel terribly angry and I can choose to speak with kindness.

I can feel angry and I can choose to take rapid and forceful action that's helpful to help someone too, right? Or to set a boundary. One time for me this involves shoving someone away. Most of the time though it involves setting a clear, careful, thoughtful intentional boundary or taking a purposeful action that lines up with the kind of person you want to be.

The difference is I'm making a choice. I have agency. I'm deciding. My feelings are informative but they don't make decisions for me.

So emotions might show up in a big loud way. You're going to pause and then you're going to ask if they're telling you that something needs to change and then you're going to take action and then soothe your body.

So after a stressful event Healthy people allow themselves to shake, to run, to cry, to soften, to soothe, to relax, to laugh, to connect, and tell the story, okay? This is how we process emotions in a nutshell. That's like the most nutshell version I've ever made of how to process your feelings.

Okay, here's the fourth habit to regulate your emotions. And this is the one that I think transforms every emotional experience into a win. Healthy people do not label themselves as this is just how I am. They treat every experience as an opportunity to learn. You don't have to be perfect. That's not the purpose of life. It's to learn and grow through our experiences. The difficult or painful experiences are all opportunities to deepen your capacity to get better at feeling.

So how do we do this? You've got to treat yourself and your mistakes with compassion. Get good at making repairs. You know how we get better at making repairs? You mess up. You practice again, right? If you do overreact you apologize and you recenter. This trains you to bounce back faster than aiming for perfection.

And then again, with the growth mindset like if you were in school you would write things down you would study them out. With emotions, you can reflect with journaling or debriefing or talking with someone. And that's how we learn from the situations that we have without judgment.

Rehearsing and practicing out loud how you would respond differently in the future can also be a really good way to train yourself to be less reactive. So if you need to set a boundary with your boss practicing it out loud ahead of time can help you be more intentional and less emotionally reactive.

So how do we do this? How do we get to the point where we respond to feelings instead of reacting to them? It's simply practice. Every single day, you will get a chance to practice responding to feelings.

So to put this all together here's a quick way to practice. Bring to mind a mild frustration from your day. Do not pick the biggest one yet. Notice and name it. So say to yourself something like I'm noticing anger or stress. or fear is here.

Then imagine yourself putting that feeling to the side. It's present, but you don't have to pick it up right now. You could say, I'm having the thought that or I'm having the feeling of.

Then you could ask yourself what were the triggers? Ask yourself, what kind of thoughts are you having? And then ask yourself do these thoughts help? Are they accurate?

Then write down, how would you like to handle this? Being the kind of person that you wanna be what would you do? So you say, oh I would ask them to stop, okay? Then just practice that.

Now say it out loud, right? Practice it. Please stop. I don't like what you're doing, right?

Okay, this is it. That's how we work through emotions, okay? It sounds really simple. I know it's very complex in the moment. It's really essential to emotional regulation.

And as you practice this every day you'll find that you're able to pause and not freak out when something triggers you, okay?

I know this sounds complicated, but... The good news is every single day you get a chance to practice this. So I know you can get better at feeling. I know you can get better at being less emotionally reactive and more emotionally stable. Thank you so much for being here. You've got this. Please take care.

Some people regulate their emotions a little better than others. Now, we all have moments where we freak out, some more than others. So what are the things that people who tend to regulate pretty well do? What are the habits that make people more emotionally stable?

有些人在情绪调节方面，就是比其他人要强一点。我们都有情绪失控的时候，只是有些人失控得更频繁。那么，那些通常能很好调节情绪的人，他们具体会怎么做呢？ 哪些习惯能让人情绪更稳定？

It's not like there's actually people who have no emotional melt-outs. I don't want to create this idea that there are some people who are perfect at this. That's not the case.

其实，并没有人能做到完全不情绪崩溃。我不想给大家造成这种印象， 觉得有些人在情绪调节上能做到完美。事实并非如此。

And it might seem like emotional stability just comes naturally to some people but when you look closely it becomes clear that there are four essential habits that help them regulate their emotions.

另外，可能看起来有些人的情绪稳定是与生俱来的， 但仔细一看， 于是我们就明白，有四个核心习惯帮助他们调节情绪。

I'm going to tell you what those four things are and then I'm going to break those habits down into tiny, actionable steps. Okay, habit number one.

我会告诉你这四点是什么， 然后我会把这些习惯分解成具体、可操作的小步骤。好的，第一个习惯。

People with good emotional regulation. Oh, let's do this first. Ta-da! Okay, people with good emotional regulation skills they don't react when they're highly emotional and they don't just suppress their feelings. It's not that emotionally stable people don't have feelings. They do, plenty of them. Instead, they've trained themselves to pause. They notice when they're highly emotional and then they slow things down.

拥有良好情绪调节能力的人。哦，我们先这样处理。嗒哒！ 好的，拥有良好情绪调节能力的人， 他们不会在情绪高涨时做出反应， 也不会只是压抑自己的感受。情绪稳定的人不是没有情绪。恰恰相反，他们的情绪很丰富。相反，他们训练自己做到暂停。他们会觉察到自己情绪强烈的时刻， 然后放缓自己的反应。

So instead of having like trigger react they've paired trigger pause. Viktor Frankl said, between stimulus and response there is a space. And in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

所以，他们不再是'触发即反应'， 而是建立了'触发后暂停'的新联系。维克多·弗兰克尔说过，在刺激与反应之间， 存在一个空间。而在这个空间里，蕴藏着我们选择如何回应的力量。我们的成长和自由，正蕴藏于我们的回应之中。

So if it's not about just like suppressing our emotions or trying harder how do you train yourself to pause? How do you practice that? Let me teach you some strategies for this, okay?

所以，如果关键不是压抑情绪或一味蛮干， 那你该如何训练自己暂停呢？ 又该如何练习呢？ 我来教你一些具体方法，好吗？

So they don't just stop it. They have an action that they do instead of reacting. They've practiced this action over and over until they get better at it. So what do they do? What is this action they train? They close their mouth. They have a filler response. Maybe they say something like, hmm let me think about that. Or if they're feeling like they might get violent they put their hands behind their backs or in their pockets. They might have trained a response to take a long, slow breath. Even like a five second breath can give your nervous system time to settle before you speak or act.

所以，他们不只是停下来。他们会采取一个具体的行动，来替代自动化的反应。他们反复练习这个行动，直到越来越熟练。那么他们具体做什么呢？ 他们训练的到底是什么行动？ 他们会闭上嘴巴。他们有一套拖延话术。他们可能会说，比如，“嗯， 让我想想。” 或者，如果他们感觉自己可能要动粗， 他们会把手背在身后或插进口袋。他们可能训练自己去做一个深长缓慢的呼吸。即使是五秒钟的深呼吸，也能让你的神经系统在开口或行动之前有时间平复下来。

People who are more emotionally stable have built systems to slow themselves down. So for example, they might have a rule that says no big decisions without sleeping on it. Like you cannot quit your job, get engaged or buy something really big without sleeping on it for 24 hours. Or they might have a rule that says they have to consult with their spouse before buying anything over $200. Perhaps the way they pause themselves down is they write about the problem before making a decision. Now mindfulness practice can also help you sit with these feelings without needing to act on them right away.

情绪更稳定的人，已经养成了一些让自己慢下来的习惯。比方说，他们可能有个规矩：重大决定，不过夜不做。比如，你不能一冲动就辞职、订婚， 或者未经24小时冷静思考就购买任何大件物品。或者，他们可能定下规矩，购买任何超过200美元的东西前，都必须和配偶商量。也许，他们让自己暂停的方式，是在做决定前先把问题写下来。此外，正念练习也能帮助你与这些感受共处，而不必立即采取行动。

So what I would encourage you to do for this first one is choose a pause behavior that you like and start to practice it. Practice it every day in tiny situations and you'll start to get really good at it even in intense situations. So this is something that you learn like muscle memory. The old trigger was when I feel emotional, I react. The new trigger has to be rewired. When I feel emotional, I pause.

所以，对于这第一个习惯，我鼓励你选择一种你喜欢的暂停行为，并开始练习。每天在细微小事上练习，即使在激烈的情境下，你也会开始变得非常熟练。所以，这就像肌肉记忆一样，是可以练出来的。旧的触发模式是：一有情绪，我就立刻反应。新的触发模式必须重新建立。当我感到情绪激动时，我暂停。

One of the best ways to train yourself to slow down is to get better at predicting your emotions. Surprise exaggerates every emotion. But if you know a big emotion is coming up then you won't be as surprised. So if I told you I was gonna jump out at you from behind the bushes when you walked by you probably wouldn't scream in such a high-pitched way. Okay, so get to know your triggers. Be aware of the things that start getting you worked up before you're already at a 10. If you know that when you're hungry or tired or stressed out you're more likely to be emotionally reactive. Don't make a big decision, pause, right? If you know that around certain people you're much more likely to be tense or reactive or impulsive or if you know what times of day you're more sensitive these are all ways to get better at predicting your emotions so that you can start pairing this pause reaction.

训练自己放慢脚步的最佳方法之一，就是提高预测自己情绪的能力。意外会放大每一种情绪。但如果你知道强烈的情绪即将来袭， 你就不会那么意外了。所以，如果我告诉你，当你走过时我会从灌木丛后跳出来吓你， 你可能就不会发出那么刺耳的尖叫声了。好的，所以，去了解你的情绪诱因。要留意那些在你情绪彻底爆发（达到10分）之前就开始让你激动起来的事情。如果你知道，当你饥饿、疲惫或压力过大时， 你更容易情绪化反应。就别做重大决定，先暂停，对吗？ 如果你知道，在特定的人身边你更容易紧张、反应过度或冲动， 或者如果你知道一天中哪些时段你更敏感， 这些都是更好地预测自己情绪的方法， 这样你就能开始搭配使用这种暂停反应了。

Once you know what your triggers are this is not just an excuse to avoid these situations. It gives you a chance to prepare yourself to respond to them in a better way. One of the best ways to build this skill is to reflect and get perspective. And this is why therapy can be so powerful. But at the end of the video I'll teach you a method you can also do on your own. Okay, here's the second habit for emotional regulation.

一旦你了解了自己的情绪触发点这可不是为了让你找借口逃避这些情况。而是让你有机会做好准备，用更好的方式去应对。培养这项能力最好的方法之一，就是进行反思，跳出固有视角。正因如此，心理治疗才会如此有效。不过在视频的结尾我会教你一个方法，你自己也可以练习。好了，接下来是情绪调节的第二个习惯。

Have you guys ever heard this story? A woman sitting in an airport waiting for her flight. She buys a bag of Oreos and sits down next to a man while she waits for the plane to come. As she reads, she notices that the man keeps reaching into the bag and eating the cookies. She becomes more and more irritated. She starts thinking, oh my gosh, how rude. He is stealing my Oreos. But instead of confronting him she just silently judges him while continuing to eat from the bag herself.

大家听过这个故事吗？ 有个女人坐在机场，等候她的航班。她买了一袋奥利奥，在等飞机的时候，在一个男人旁边坐了下来。她一边看书，一边注意到那个男人不停地伸手到袋子里拿饼干吃。她变得越来越恼火。她开始想， 天哪，太没礼貌了。他在偷我的奥利奥。但她没有直接质问他， 只是在心里默默评判他，自己也继续从袋子里拿饼干吃。

So he'll grab an Oreo and then she'll grab an Oreo. And she's like fuming with anger and she's being a little bit like passive aggressive like eating her Oreos a little bit loudly. The man calmly keeps sharing the cookies without reacting and this makes her even more annoyed.

他拿一块奥利奥， 然后她也拿一块。她简直气得冒烟表现得有点被动攻击像是吃奥利奥时故意弄出点声响。男人却平静如常，继续吃着饼干，毫无反应。这让她更加恼火。

Eventually, there's only one Oreo left. The man takes it out of the bag breaks it in half and offers her a piece. She is like, oh, the nerve, right? She's shocked by his audacity but she takes it anyway.

最后，只剩下一块奥利奥了。男人把最后一块从袋子里拿出来掰成两半然后递了一半给她。她心想，呵，真有你的，是吧？ 她被他这厚脸皮惊到了但她还是接了过来。

Finally, she boards the flight sits down in her seat, opens her purse and finds her own unopened bag of Oreos in her purse. Suddenly, she realizes the truth. She was the one eating his cookies all along. All of those feelings of anger and self-righteousness, indignation they were all based on a false story where she was the victim to his rudeness, when in reality he was actually being very patient, very generous, very forgiving towards her.

终于，她登上了飞机坐到座位上，打开了手提包结果发现自己的手提包里有一袋未拆封的奥利奥。突然间，她明白了真相。一直以来，都是她在吃他的饼干。所有那些愤怒、理直气壮和愤慨的情绪都建立在一个虚假的故事之上在这个故事里，她是对方粗鲁行为的受害者，而实际上实际上，他当时对她非常耐心、非常慷慨、也很宽容。

Healthy people get to know the stories that they tell themselves. They question their stories. They might be victim stories, angry stories, self-righteous stories. I made a whole video on this which I will link below.

心理健康的人会去辨识他们对自己讲述的那些故事。他们会质疑这些故事。这些故事可能是受害者叙事、愤怒叙事，或是自以为是的故事。我为此专门做了一整期视频我会把链接放在下方。

Emotionally stable people don't believe everything they think or feel. Emotions are like smoke alarms. They are loud and sometimes they come on fast. Sometimes they mean that there's a fire. Sometimes they're going off because you took a hot shower or the smoke alarm is low on batteries. And that's how emotions can be. They feel intense and they feel real.

情绪稳定的人不会相信自己的每一个想法或感受。情绪就像烟雾报警器。它们声音响亮，有时会突然响起。有时它们意味着真的着火了。有时它们会突然响起， 可能只是因为你洗了个热水澡，或是它电池没电了。情绪也是如此。它们感觉既强烈又真实。

If I'm angry if I feel angry

如果我愤怒， 当我感到愤怒时，

it feels like I'm being mistreated. If I'm panicking it feels like I'm in danger. If I'm sad it feels like everything is awful. But just because I feel something just because I think something doesn't mean it's true.

感觉就像我被亏待了。如果我恐慌，感觉就像我身处危险。如果我悲伤，感觉好像一切都糟透了。但仅仅因为我感觉到什么，仅仅因为我想到什么，并不代表那就是真的。

When a smoke alarm goes off it's a warning that we need to check if something is wrong. It does not always mean that the house is burning down. So when I feel a big emotion it means I need to take a minute and ask, is something wrong? And if the answer is yes, then Ask what steps should I take to fix it?

当烟雾报警器响起时，这是在警告我们需要检查是否出了问题。这不总是意味着房子就烧起来了。所以，当我情绪强烈时，这意味着我需要花点时间问问自己：是不是哪里出了问题？如果答案是肯定的，那么接着问我应该采取哪些步骤来应对？

Emotionally healthy people know from experience that their feelings and their thoughts lie all the time. So if our thoughts and feelings aren't always accurate what are we supposed to do with them?

情绪健康的人凭经验知道他们的感受和想法常常会骗人。所以，如果我们的想法和感受并不总是准确我们应该如何对待它们呢？

Let's learn how to create space so that thoughts and feelings don't run your life. Here are a few ways people with good emotional regulation do it.

让我们学习如何留出空间，从而想法和感受才不会主宰你的生活。情绪调节能力强的人，通常有这几种做法。

They hold their thoughts at arm's length and they ask, is this thought helpful? They look at their feelings and their thoughts and say, is this feeling accurate? They question their stories.

他们与自己的想法保持距离，然后问自己：这个想法对我有帮助吗？他们审视自己的感受和想法，然后问：这个感受准确吗？他们会质疑自己脑中的故事。

So instead of being like they're disrespecting me they might question and say, huh I wonder what's going on. I wonder if there's something else that's causing those behaviors. Maybe they're stressed, right? Maybe this isn't about me.

所以，他们不会直接认定“他们不尊重我”，而是会带着疑问去想：嗯，这到底是怎么回事呢？是不是有别的原因，才让他们有那样的行为？也许他们只是压力很大，对吧？也许这并不是针对我。

They look at the big picture and they ask, oh how will this feel tomorrow or next week? They ask, do I want this feeling to control me to make my decisions?

他们会放眼大局，然后问：哦，到了明天或者下周，我对这件事的感觉会怎样？他们会问：我难道想让这种情绪控制我吗？让它来替我做决定吗？

They name their feelings. So simply labeling what you feel, like saying, ooh I'm feeling anger rising or this feels like shame. Naming emotions calms the brain and creates space between stimulus and response.

他们会给情绪命名。也就是说，简单地把你的感受说出来，比如，‘噢’我感到怒火上涌或者这感觉像是羞愧。给情绪命名能平复大脑，并在刺激与反应之间创造出空间。

And then here's another thing healthy people do. They notice their bodies. They're aware of their physical sensations. They might say something like, oh my hands are clenching. I'm talking fast. I'm getting sweaty.

还有一点，情绪健康的人会这样做。他们会留意自己的身体。他们会觉察到身体的感受。他们可能会这样说：哦我的手攥紧了。我语速变快了。我开始出汗了。

You can train your nervous system to be less reactive through practice and through somatic work. So the easiest way to do number two is to start using the phrase I'm having the thought that someone is mistreating me or I'm noticing a part of me is feeling really angry.

通过练习和躯体工作，你可以训练你的神经系统，让它不那么容易反应过度。所以，做到第二点最简单的方法，就是开始使用这个句式：我产生了'有人在亏待我'的想法或者，我注意到我的一部分自己正感到非常愤怒。

So if you have the thought I'm such a loser then you'd say I'm having the thought that I am such a loser. Or if you have the thought no one loves me, you could say part of me feels really lonely and scared right now. Or if you think this is never going to work out, you could say I'm catastrophizing right now. You name that thought.

所以，如果你有这样一个念头我真是个失败者那么你可以这样说：我脑子里有个念头：我真是个废物。或者，如果你想到‘没人爱我’，你可以说我心里有一部分此刻感到非常孤独和害怕。再比如，如果你觉得‘这事永远成不了’，你可以说我正在灾难化思维。你要点明那个念头。

If you think, she makes me feel so angry my chest feels tight with anger. Okay, you can do this with an outward focus too.

如果你心想，‘她让我这么生气’我气得胸口发闷。好的，你也可以把注意力转向外部来做到这一点。

So instead of telling your partner you never take out the trash, you can say part of me thinks or feels or worries that you don't care about me. But there's another part of me that knows that you're making a lot of sacrifices for our family.

所以，与其对你的伴侣说“你从来不倒垃圾”，你可以说“我的一部分在想、感觉或担心你不在乎我。” “但我还有另一部分知道你为我们的家庭做出了很多牺牲。”

The whole goal here is to create some space between yourself and your thoughts and your feelings. It gives you freedom to choose what actions to take. So instead of letting your thoughts or feelings make your decisions, you constantly ask What is most important to me? What kind of person do I want to be? These are your values.

这样做的根本目的，是在你自身、你的想法和感受之间创造一些空间。这让你能自由地选择采取什么行动。所以，与其让想法或感受主导你的决定，你要不断地问自己：什么对我最重要？我想成为什么样的人？这些就是你的价值观。

And when you pause and you don't believe everything you think or feel it gives you the space to make choices that line up with the values for the good life that you do want.

而当你暂停下来，不轻信自己的一切所思所感，这便为你创造了空间，让你能做出符合自身价值观的选择，从而走向你真正渴望的美好生活。

Now, these are a few of the skills that I teach in my How to Process Your Emotions course. You'll get 31 bite-sized lessons that will help you build emotional regulation skills. The course is included with monthly membership which also has a live Q&A with me and the link is in the video description.

以上，就是我在《如何应对情绪》课程中教授的部分技能。你将获得31节易于消化的小课，帮助你掌握情绪调节技能。该课程包含在月度会员权益内。课程还包含我的直播问答环节。链接就在视频描述里。

Okay, so first, we pause. Second, don't believe everything you think. Question your stories. And the third is you don't repress your feelings. You don't struggle against your feelings.

好，第一步，暂停。第二，别相信你所有的念头。质疑你的内心叙事。第三，不要压抑你的感受。不要与你的感受对抗。

Emotionally stable people process their feelings instead of repressing them. Feeling is something that's actually happening in your body. Just because the thoughts around it might not be true the sensations and the nervous system activation are actually happening here in this present moment.

情绪稳定的人会处理感受，而非压抑它们。感受是真实发生在你身体里的过程。即便围绕感受产生的想法可能并不真实，那些感觉和神经系统的激活，其实就真实地发生在此时此刻。

Healthy people allow feelings to be there and they give themselves time to process them in their mind and in their body.

情绪稳定的人会允许感受存在，并给自己时间，在身心层面去处理这些感受。

Repressed emotions are like an overfull refrigerator. The more stuff we shove in there the more likely it is that something will fall out, spill over, go rotten, or smell bad.

被压抑的情绪就像一个塞得过满的冰箱。我们往里面塞的东西越多，就越可能发生东西掉出来、溢出来、腐烂或发臭的情况。

When our default reaction to an emotion is to just stuff it, or ignore it or distract from it, big stinky emotions are gonna build up and make it much more likely that they will explode later.

当我们对情绪的默认反应只是把它塞起来，或忽视它，或是转移注意力，那些又大又臭的情绪就会堆积起来，大大增加它们日后爆发的几率。

Processing emotions takes four steps. Observe, explore, choose, and then act or accept.

处理情绪分为四个步骤。观察、探索、选择，然后行动或接纳。

So, after pausing, when a big emotion comes up we observe our emotions, we slow down, we get curious. We allow them to be there. We notice them in our bodies, we name them we show them compassion.

所以，在暂停之后，当强烈的情绪出现时，我们观察自己的情绪，放慢节奏，保持好奇心。我们允许其存在。我们觉察身体里的感受，为其命名，并抱以慈悲。

Then we explore them. So you might take your thoughts and feelings that you noticed from step two and you would sift through them and ask, you know which thoughts are helpful? Which ones aren't? It can be really helpful to say them out loud or write them down, and then to check for cognitive distortions like catastrophizing or black and white thinking.

然后，我们探索这些情绪。你可以将第二步中觉察到的想法和感受，进行筛选，并自问，哪些想法是有帮助的？哪些没有帮助呢？你可以大声说出来或写下来，然后检查其中是否有‘灾难化思维’或‘非黑即白思维’这类认知扭曲，这样做会非常有帮助。

An important part of this process of processing feelings is that we don't shame ourselves for having feelings or for our past reactions. This usually trains us to be more reactive. So instead of shaming we treat ourselves with compassion throughout this process of working through our feelings. And this trains us to be more patient and calm with ourselves and others.

在这个处理情绪的过程中，关键的一点在于我们不要因为自己产生了情绪，或是因为过去的反应而苛责自己。自责通常只会让我们更容易情绪激动。因此，与其自责，不如在整个梳理情绪的过程中，以同情心对待自己。而这会训练我们对自己和他人更有耐心、更加平和。

Harsh self-criticism makes you more reactive. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a good friend. You could say something like, this is hard but I'm okay. And that's going to help lower that emotional charge.

严厉的自我批评会让你更容易情绪激动。像对待好朋友那样和自己对话。你可以这样说：“这确实很难，但我能行。”这样有助于减轻情绪负荷。

I think one of the biggest reasons why people repress feelings is because they're ashamed of feelings. And then as part of processing emotions you can also do some body soothing, like some self-care do something you enjoy and that helps your nervous system complete that reaction.

我认为，人们压抑情绪的一个主要原因是他们为自己的情绪感到羞耻。那么，在处理情绪的过程中，你也可以安抚身体，进行一些自我关爱，做一些你喜欢的事，这能帮助你的神经系统完成这一反应循环。

Here's the other important part about processing feelings. It's not just all about the emotions. When there is actually a problem healthy people figure out what they can change and they take some action to make things better. They make choices based on values and not feelings. So you might say I feel terribly angry and I can choose to speak with kindness.

关于处理情绪，还有另一个关键点。这不仅仅关乎情绪本身。当确实存在一个实际问题时，心理健康的人会想明白自己能改变什么，并采取行动去改善局面。他们依据价值观，而非一时的感受来做选择。比方说，我感到非常愤怒。但我可以选择用友善的方式沟通。

I can feel angry and I can choose to take rapid and forceful action that's helpful to help someone too, right? Or to set a boundary. One time for me this involves shoving someone away. Most of the time though it involves setting a clear, careful, thoughtful intentional boundary or taking a purposeful action that lines up with the kind of person you want to be.

我可以感到愤怒，同时也可以选择采取迅速有力的行动去帮助别人，对吧？或是设定界限。有一次，就是将某人推开。但大多数时候，而是设定一个清晰、审慎、深思熟虑、明确的界限，或是采取符合你理想人格的有目的的行动。

The difference is I'm making a choice. I have agency. I'm deciding. My feelings are informative but they don't make decisions for me.

关键在于，我在做出选择。我有自主权。我在做决定。我的感受具有参考价值，但它们不会替我做决定。

So emotions might show up in a big loud way. You're going to pause and then you're going to ask if they're telling you that something needs to change and then you're going to take action and then soothe your body.

所以情绪可能会来势汹汹。你要先暂停，然后问问自己，它们是否在告诉你有些事情需要改变，然后你要采取行动，接着安抚你的身体。

So after a stressful event Healthy people allow themselves to shake, to run, to cry, to soften, to soothe, to relax, to laugh, to connect, and tell the story, okay? This is how we process emotions in a nutshell. That's like the most nutshell version I've ever made of how to process your feelings.

所以，在经历压力事件之后，健康的人会允许自己颤抖、奔跑、哭泣、缓和下来、自我安抚、放松、大笑、与人联结，并把经历讲出来，明白吗？简而言之，我们就是这样处理情绪的。这大概是我做过的最精简的处理感受版本了。

Okay, here's the fourth habit to regulate your emotions. And this is the one that I think transforms every emotional experience into a win. Healthy people do not label themselves as this is just how I am. They treat every experience as an opportunity to learn. You don't have to be perfect. That's not the purpose of life. It's to learn and grow through our experiences. The difficult or painful experiences are all opportunities to deepen your capacity to get better at feeling.

接下来是调节情绪的第四个习惯。我认为这个习惯，能把每一次情绪体验都变成一种收获。心理健康的人不会给自己贴上“我就是这样”的标签。他们把每一次经历都视为学习的机会。你不需要做到完美。那不是人生的目的。而是要通过经历去学习和成长。那些困难或痛苦的经历，都是让你深化感受能力、更善于处理情绪的机会。

So how do we do this? You've got to treat yourself and your mistakes with compassion. Get good at making repairs. You know how we get better at making repairs? You mess up. You practice again, right? If you do overreact you apologize and you recenter. This trains you to bounce back faster than aiming for perfection.

那我们具体该怎么做呢？你需要以慈悲之心对待自己和所犯的错误。要擅长修复关系。知道怎么才能更擅长修复关系吗？你会搞砸。你就再练习，对吧？如果你确实反应过度了，你就道歉，并重新调整重心。这样能锻炼你，比追求完美更快地恢复过来。

And then again, with the growth mindset like if you were in school you would write things down you would study them out. With emotions, you can reflect with journaling or debriefing or talking with someone. And that's how we learn from the situations that we have without judgment.

同样地，运用成长型思维模式，就像你在学校时一样，你会把事情写下来。你会把它们琢磨透。对于情绪，你可以通过写日记、复盘或与人交谈来反思。我们就是这样，不带评判地从自己经历的事情中学习。

Rehearsing and practicing out loud how you would respond differently in the future can also be a really good way to train yourself to be less reactive. So if you need to set a boundary with your boss practicing it out loud ahead of time can help you be more intentional and less emotionally reactive.

大声预演和练习你未来会如何以不同的方式回应，也是一个非常好的方法，能训练你减少应激反应。所以，如果你需要和老板设定界限，提前大声练习能帮助你更理智、更少情绪化地应对。

So how do we do this? How do we get to the point where we respond to feelings instead of reacting to them? It's simply practice. Every single day, you will get a chance to practice responding to feelings.

那么，我们该怎么做呢？我们如何才能做到，去回应感受，而非被感受牵着鼻子走？这其实就是练习。每一天，你都有机会练习如何回应情绪。

So to put this all together here's a quick way to practice. Bring to mind a mild frustration from your day. Do not pick the biggest one yet. Notice and name it. So say to yourself something like I'm noticing anger or stress. or fear is here.

那么，把这些综合起来，这里有一个快速练习的方法。回想一下你今天经历的一个轻微的挫折。先别选最严重的那件。去觉察它，并为它命名。你可以这样对自己说：我觉察到了愤怒或压力。或者，恐惧在这里。

Then imagine yourself putting that feeling to the side. It's present, but you don't have to pick it up right now. You could say, I'm having the thought that or I'm having the feeling of.

然后，想象自己把那种情绪先放到一边。它就在那儿，但你不必马上回应它。你可以说：我注意到自己有个想法，或者，我注意到自己有某种感受。

Then you could ask yourself what were the triggers? Ask yourself, what kind of thoughts are you having? And then ask yourself do these thoughts help? Are they accurate?

然后你可以问自己是什么引发了这些情绪？问问自己：你此刻有哪些念头？接着再问自己这些想法有帮助吗？它们符合事实吗？

Then write down, how would you like to handle this? Being the kind of person that you wanna be what would you do? So you say, oh I would ask them to stop, okay? Then just practice that.

然后写下来，你希望如何应对这件事？作为一个你想成为的人，你会怎么做？所以你说，哦，我会请他们停下，好吗？然后就去练习这个。

Now say it out loud, right? Practice it. Please stop. I don't like what you're doing, right?

现在大声说出来，好吗？练习一下。请停下。我不喜欢你正在做的事，好吗？

Okay, this is it. That's how we work through emotions, okay? It sounds really simple. I know it's very complex in the moment. It's really essential to emotional regulation.

好了，关键就在这里。我们就是这样应对情绪的，明白吗？听起来很简单。我知道，真到那一刻会非常复杂。这对情绪调节至关重要。

And as you practice this every day you'll find that you're able to pause and not freak out when something triggers you, okay?

当你每天练习这个方法时，你会发现，当某些事触发你时，你能够暂停下来，而不是惊慌失措，好吗？

I know this sounds complicated, but... The good news is every single day you get a chance to practice this. So I know you can get better at feeling. I know you can get better at being less emotionally reactive and more emotionally stable. Thank you so much for being here. You've got this. Please take care.

我知道这听起来很复杂，但是……好消息是，每一天你都有机会练习。所以我知道，你能更好地感受情绪。我知道，你能减少情绪化反应，变得更加情绪稳定。非常感谢你的参与。你一定能行。请多保重。